The Girl From Ipanema

Jose and I said that if we moved to HB we would be those parents that are involved in the community.  His job will be 5 minutes from the house so for the first time he’ll be living and working in the same place.  And since I’m working from home I have all the time in the world to get to know the locals.  We could be those people that say “hi” to everyone!! Golly!!! I decided if I want to be a part of this community I need to start by not looking Taliban-wild when I run errands. This is the OC and no self-respecting mom goes to Target with greasy hair, wearing rags. It’s just unacceptable.  If I can reduce the frumpiness maybe I can start looking people in the eye again. I figured I needed some sort of fitness class to help me get my sh*t together.  After a bit of browsing, I joined Capoeira. Capoeira is a Brazilian martial art that combines fighting, dancing and music and there is a studio near the house so why not?. It sounded awesome and it is awesome….If you’re coordinated, flexible and have rhythm.  I have none of these things and really don’t know what the hell possessed me to join. Trying to be a part of the community is one thing, getting kicked in the face by a flying Brazilian is another.  I am 2 months in and I’m losing weight and I do love it eventhough most of the time I look like a drunken cast member of Cats. (It’s really that bad). But it doesn’t bother me that much.  That is until now. I just found out that we are having a Capoeira “Batizada”. Basically it’s a showcase where we get “introduced” to the Capoeira community. Okaaaaay. Apparently, a bunch of Brazilian “masters” are coming in to test us so we can move on to our next belt.  No. No thanks. I have zero interest in “graduating” or showcasing my nonsense moves in front of 150 ppl. This is just my 2x a week workout.   Yeaa…so I don’t know how this sh*t happened but next thing I know I’m in a 2-hour meeting to plan this ridiculous showcase and discuss who is going to cook rice and beans for everyone and who can pick up the masters from the airport. WHAT??SHUT IT DOWN!! When was the last time you went to your “power yoga” class and wound up having to cook curry for everyone and pick up a bunch of Indians?? Are you sh*tting me??? My instructor asked if I would let a couple of people stay with me for the week. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW??? I cannot have some random Brazilians up in my house!!! Furthermore the airport pick-up?? The last 2 airport pickups I did resulted in me getting pulled over for reckless driving and child endangerment. I do not need to throw a random Brazilian into the mix!  Do you know that he suggested we ask local businesses to donate items to the event? Like bottled water. Who the fuck does he think he is? Haiti? You are not Haiti. You will not be getting any free bottled water. Unbelievable. I came home absolutely livid and shrieked the whole fiasco to Jose. Shit just got REAL and I need a way out!! Do you know he had the nerve to say “you said you wanted to be involved in the community…”. WHAT?? Ok, first of all by “involved” I meant “lightly involved”.  Like going to the same dry cleaners.  Supporting the local fro-yo business. That type of shit.  I am so totally freaked out now – these people know where I live and believe me when I say they are the type to roll up to my house like,” heyyy we haven’t seen you in class…”.  Jose thinks I should just suck it up - hang with the brazilians, do the damn showcase, cook beans n’ shit. Clearly he cannot be trusted, he is one of them!!. I just want to RUN the fuck away. Back to Long Beach, back to being anonymous. I hate the suburbs.