The Crystal Ship

I’ve been telling people to avoid cruises since 2006. I didn’t need to hear about Norovirus or Coronavirus or any of these apocalyptic viruses to know better than to pay money to be sent out to sea. But sometimes you do crazy shit for the people you love and I loved the shit outta my co-workers so when they suggested all of us go on a cruise, I was in! Yea, I can’t believe I used to work with people I would actually consider vacationing with. I can’t even remember the last time I wanted to have a sandwich with a co-worker, leave alone go on a 10-day cruise...
Anyway, we go on this cruise and since Jose and I didn’t gamble we decided to take classes and learn some shit. One of the classes we took was an Art Appraisal class. Full disclosure there was free champagne so naturally I was intrigued. We were pretty lit after class and ended up chatting with the Art Appraiser. He had worked for Christie’s and Sotheby’s which was so insane to me that this caliber of person was teaching a free class on a fucking cruise ship. Is it any wonder that the Tiger Mom in me is like, “all of my kids are going to med school”. Anyway this art appraiser was absolutely gorgeous and dapper...did I mention he was British? Like Tea&Crumpets British not like Oi-I-play-rugby British. Very different. Anyway this Gorgeous Human decides to casually ask us to buy him drugs at the next port. Uggh, what in the actual fuck! Do we look like people who like to shove drugs up our bums? Mind you this is back when brown people caught with just weed were promptly thrown in jail, no questions asked. Oh what? That’s still happening? Even though weed is pretty much legal now? Hmmm. Interesting. Anyway as I mentioned, the Art Dude was British and so well-dressed and he was the first person who explained Joan Miro to me. He was so damn striking that even Jose was like “yea let’s just get this guy some drugs”. Luckily our Indian/Teacher side prevailed and we decided against it. We got to the next port, drank mushroom punch (that was totally legal btw) and when we hopped back onboard we decided to avoid the Art Appraiser at all costs. 

We spent the next 2 days at sea which meant all of us were drinking ourselves insane. On one of the nights we tried to go to a fancy dinner&show but we had drank so much that we were behaving like ship-wrecked toddlers. And by “we” I mean our entire group except a couple of the wives who were not raised in barns and were very pissed that we were being complete assholes. A few hours of this “descent into madness” and we decided to all go our separate ways. Mostly because everyone wanted to drunk-fight in private, we were still white-collar after all! Jose and I decided to put in some overtime at the Deck Bar because we had magically bypassed blacking out and needed to celebrate. A few drinks in and it was time for a second dinner. We staggered across the ship and stumbled into the 24-hour cafeteria and ordered up All The Foods. All of them: wings, shepherds pie, sliders, dumplings. There may have been fucking lamb chops, who knows, it was insane and it was ALL free! (spoiler alert, not all free, ended up with a $2000 bill). Anyway the food arrived and I lost my mind. I looked like a cartoon frantically shoveling All The Foods directly into my face. But alas! Amidst the feeding frenzy I dropped my spoon. But there was no time to waste!!No time!! I needed that food in my belly! So I grabbed a chicken bone and did what our ancestors would’ve done. The next thing I knew I was looking up at the Art Dude/Drug Lord. He had spotted us and waltzed over to see how his two drug mules were doing. He smiled down at me like a cheeky British Jesus and whispered..."I see you’ve fashioned that chicken bone into a spoon. I hope it’s working out for you”.... And that’s why I don’t go on cruises anymore.